Wednesday, February 15, 2006

behind these hazel eyes

Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes (pops)

I am incredibly tired, and I'm not sure why. I think it's the fair amount of stress I'm under, because this semester the teachers decided to all lump their assignments into the same few days.

I slept this afternoon for an hour and a half. I should have been doing homework (which seems to never end), but instead I just couldn't help falling asleep. This evening, I was still sleepy, and even now I could probably sleep straight through until morning.

I gave my speech today. I didn't think it was good, but I'll let you in on a little secret: I've never done anything I've been onehundred percent satisfied with. I always think "Well, it'll have to do for now, because there's no time left to fix it". I think that's probably what makes me the good student I am, that I'm never happy with anything I do and always want to make it better, but it also makes me quite the bitter little man. How would you feel if you never thought what you did was good enough? I know for a fact that some of you (hopefully) reading this know exactly what I mean.

Also, I had an OBE while giving my speech, which was fun. An OBE, for those of you unaware, is an out-of-body experience. In my case, whenever I have to speak in front of a group, I somehow disassociate. It's a "meta" moment, where everything sort of slows down, and your conscious mind separates from whatever you're doing, and you realize that you're on autopilot. You split into two minds, where one is reading the speech, or whatever, and the other half sort of looks around and takes it all in. It's the weirdest damn thing. And it almost always happens when I either have some sort of speech to give, or when I'm in a similarly stressful situation.

It probably has something to do with my weird sensory memory. I knew my memory worked differently than everybody elses, and my (cognitive/memory expert) psych professor agrees. I absorb more "things" than the average person. Most people have around five to nine "things" they can absorb at a time, but my capacity is much larger. So when I'm giving a speech or something like that, my mind actively wanders because it's bored, and not getting enough stimulation.

Just a theory. All I know is I had a disassociative episode, and I've been tired a lot lately.

I'm going to try to do more homework now. I hate ancient Greek civilization at this point, by the way. They can all go jump in the Aegean.


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